Redemption.

So

So its been almost six months now.  So we’ve been through a lot, we’ve been through a little, the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows.  We’ve seen a lot of each other, we know the faces we bare to the world and the sighs we let out inside when we’re alone.  But everything i know about you know makes you more endeared to my heart.  I once told you that you were amazing because you were “intellectually stimulating”.  Oh the ambiguity and niceties of a secret crush.  It’s more than that; you level me out, fill in the holes that my personality drops.  You’re the yin to my yang, the person who keeps my two feet grounded while simultaneously lifting me to the ethereal.  

So I just wanted to put this up, regardless of when you will see it, to tell you that no matter what you do, where you will be, or however this maze of a life turns out, there will always be a person that loves you for everything that you are.

Especially now.

I love you.   

Ideas are interesting creatures. Lifting and enlightening, the Idea can raise to new heights. But an idea can also be pervasive. It can enter through a tiny prick, but burrow and burrow and burrow until it dominates thought. Like some African worm it kills from the inside out as we ruminate and dwell on it. How can people behave like they do? How can try have such ironic double standards?

Sick.

Nauseus. I’ve always been fascinated by the word. Maybe I always identified with the little bastard, hard to spell with no hard sounds, nothing definite to latch on to. It’s a word without set boundaries. It’s a word with nothing concrete. Even now I feel my bond with this word growing. My life has nothing concrete. I doubt everything I do, because let’s be honest. No ones fucking happy with me at the moment. I try my best. Some people a lot more than others. But it doesn’t matter. He’s mad, she’s mad, unhappy unhappy unhappy. Things that used to be beautiful and bright, beacons in the night of life now just sicken me. Everything produces a bad reaction. No matter what I do, I feel like I’ve fucked up. The universe is systematically training me to just give up, because no matter how I deprive myself to make everyone else happy, no ones ever satisfied. In fact, they’re worse off then when I started. I Spend more time picking up the pieces than anything else.
Fuck it all.